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| however. i am having trouble cancelling my interview at Des Moines University. It's a D.O. school. But a fairly good one I suppose. what's the matter with me? I worry that I will be missing something. If I don't learn osteopathic medical manipulation. What if most pain can be, in fact, cured with an adjustment? WHAT IF?! I won't learn that as an M.D. I know it. And what about nutrition? And what about the whole holistic point of view? i'm going to be a doctor, i just need to decide right now which kind. | | |
| well. i got the call on tuesday night at 7:58. i didn't even answer the phone, because a) i was watching the spirit at the movies, and b) i had left the phone in my car, because i thought i would look at the phone all night waiting for it if i didn't leave it in the car, and c) a lot of telemarketers call and come up as 'unknown'. when i looked in the window of the car after the movie, though, and saw the blinking red light, i knew. i knew she had called, and i knew i was in. i didn't listen to the message all night, and all the next day, because i had moments of doubt. but i listened to it last night, through the static, and deleted it by accident. but i've been offered admission into msu college of human medicine. i'm going to be an m.d. i previously was accepted at a d.o. school, but this means i'm going to be a medical doctor, and can do whatever i want with my degree. so this long journey is (almost) over. at the end of the month i will hear from wayne state, and i will be expecting another admission offer. only then will i allow myself to jump in joy. to buy a car. to buy an iphone. only then might i reward myself for plugging and chugging through this long dark night. maybe. the reason i say i'd rather be painting is that i am still working full time at this clinic, and i deal with some horrible idiots, and sometimes i think that i could just quit, now that i am in. but i am not really a quitter and i like what i do, and what i learn every day. | | |
| anyway. i was reading in the oprah magazine today that there is a theory called the rat park. and what the lady does is she plays a game of hot and cold with her 'clients'. you know, where you have to find something and someone tells you whether you're hot or cold. i guess it was interesting because i find that i had figured that out about nine months ago. you play hot or cold with yourself-- nudging yourself towards the things that make you feel warmer, and steering yourself away from the things that make you feel colder. (a fleeting thought here- of course, we mostly grow because we have tried things that made us colder, if only once.) rollercoasters, for example- colder. eating bean soup and bread with butter at our little dinner table with L- warmer. going out on new year's eve in crowded cities with my dad, who insists on walking everywhere- colder. sitting at home and watching tv and eating caramel corn until the ball falls- warmer. L and i joke that we are 40 year olds who don't like to go out, have sex with strangers, drink excessive amounts. but maybe the timing was just right, and we found out, and stuck with, things that make us warmer. in the end, it's all the same thing. find what makes you happy and go do it. why waste time forcing yourself into a mold, into a stereotype? i'm a homebody and proud of it. i'm a little bit of a nerd, a lotta geek, a little washed up rock star. sometimes life is doing the laundry, rearranging the basement, scooping cat poop, playing with the cat, baking brownies, making dinner, and getting groceries. and that's okay. sometimes life is also almost burning the house down because the washing machine was too full and having to drag all the wet clothes out of freezing, soapy water. well!
as older readers may recall, new year's eve is generally my least favorite holiday. i usually sulk and bitch and cry and go to bed at ten to avoid bringing in the new year. but tonight i treat it just like every other night, and i'll savor tomorrow just like any other day. and that's okay.
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| when i say 'thinking' i mean 'stalling', because i have been 'thinking' about getting an iphone for a year, for over a year, since i found out it was coming out over a year ago, and now its on 3g. i stall because, though i'd like to start listening to music, i rarely do. i stall because i know i'll get lost on the internet for hours. i stalled because i knew that there would be updates, newer and better things. i say i'm waiting for an orange one. i say i don't want to change my phone number- having ported from gsm to cdma, i'm not sure i can go back. plus i want the freedom of an unlocked phone again-- sim cards and all. but in reality, it seems like the anticipation of something really is better than getting it (i know iphone owners disagree). for the last several months, shiny new toys have lost their lustre-- though i still buy things, i do not consume with the frenzy that i used to, the frenzy with which my mother and sister still seem to consume. i do not think that i am better- this is not righteousness. i am still trying to figure out why i wandered from store to store on boxing day, picking out nary a thing. i couldn't even buy shoes! -- taking interest only in the kitchen wares at the bay, and minorly the electronics at future shop. i thought perhaps it is because i now spend wisely, having a home that needs to be kempt, knowing that space is scarce, remembering that limited funds should be spent on more practical things, like vacuum cleaners and coffee makers and cat food-- am i old? or finding that material goods really are no substitute for such touted commodities as human connection, trust, love. i don't know which is worse. it, in all honesty, sounds like depression, especially given that right now i don't feel like doing anything-- wrapping my grandma's present (after my parents got her a large hdtv, my digital picture frame seems dull in comparison), painting (on the new canvas, one of the only things i bought today at michael's for $4.99), or trying on my old clothes (i did not allow any new ones today), or playing with my new toys (none of them really excited me like only art supplies do). perhaps i am waiting until i can talk to L again, having been apart for (gasp!) over two days.
i still have a lot of junk and right now, a lot of it feels like junk! i don't get it at all. i want an iphone, i wanted one, i drooled over it, walked into the apple stores and touched it, and now that i can have one, i don't know. i griped that my sister spent several months agonizing over what new phone to get (when my old red razr suddenly died and i had to use L's old LG, since i was unwilling to sign a new contract with sprint, with three months left on my old one), and now i see that i am having the same quandary, only whether or not to get this one phone, and what implications it might have, etc etc. if i tell myself what i tell her, it would be that these phones, like most things, do not last forever, and it isn't a decision that will reverberate ten years into your life. but L doesn't have at&t, and i don't want to have to email everyone and tell them that the phone number i've had for the last seven years will no longer be my phone number, and what if at&t doesn't have good service in my area, and what if i want an unlocked one so that i can change from carrier to carrier, and just insert a new phone card when i visit hk, canada, etc.....? well i have my old sony ericsson that is gsm...if i carry two phones when i travel, like my dad does, that problem could be solved...
your comments, please.
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| the return of carmenland- and i started it with a pleasant tone. adding a benadryl ad to my site for 500 credits-- what, pray tell, are credits? and is 500 a lot of them? i can see that i've missed a lot by not consistently blogging during the past 4 years. i think that some people out there are still listening-- some people always are.
i wanted to write because i wanted to share about this christmas. mainly, the gift exchange between L and myself. i assume that for most of us, the presents that we give to and receive from our significant other are generally the most important ones-- either because they know what you want best, what you need around the house, or you care about what they get you the most, or you get the most pleasure out of seeing them unwrap something into which you had put a lot of thought. not that presents from your mom and dad aren't important, or presents from your sister-- i will never be able to dig myself out of this hole, or in my mind justify my justifications, it is always that constant balance, that see-saw, of, choose your partner, or choose your family. my partner is my family, and my family is also my family. i guess its nice to like the person you see 360 days of the year.
i gave L a pink bowling ball and a pink bowling bag (she is a pro at it, its in her genes/jeans, and we are taking up this rather local favorite with a passion). also blue birks, books, a watering can, an other minor things. she gave me a humidifier (i am apparently always bitching about how dry the house is, and how my nose is bloody every morning), a cutting board (i am also always apparently bitching about not having one that i can rest on top of my sink so that i just push the peelings into the disposal), the Dark Knight double dvd (but no bobble head or playing card, i will have to look into the free stuff) and TICKETS TO THE SAN DIEGO COMIC CON IN 2009! i am still reeling from this, still so excited, and i do not think most people would understand the significance of this, except that i like comics, i like comic conventions, and i like to travel. to me, it's more than L finally agreeing to go to a geekfest with me, but getting me a whole TRIP, when i usually have to sulk and beg to get her to go to a new restaurant. and this is a whole city, with hotels and planes and everything. it feels like a really adult present, a trip, like a whisk-you-off-to-paris kind of thing, except that's more my style and something she'd like, for me she will plan for months, perfect every detail, take me to the place of my dreams. it's been four years, ten months and eighteen days, and she makes me laugh every day, and i still think she may be a keeper, just like all those years ago in my college dorm room, when she did a spot-on imitation of my dad. i might like spongebob, but she's the real sponge.
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